So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
