He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
