Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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