i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
