I'm really into asian looking animals
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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