Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
