somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
