i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We named our party play list daddy issues
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
