i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
