I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
