i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
