Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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