i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
