the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
