So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
