my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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