mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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