The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
