Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
