I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
