she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
