I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
