before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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