You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
