I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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