The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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