I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
