At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
