She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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