im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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