love makes seman taste better
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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