Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
