So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
