i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
