Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
