oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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