I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
