Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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