But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
