I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just had sex on a roof
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
