I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
