By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
