Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
