at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
