Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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