nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
