Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
