Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
