I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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