she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
