i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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