She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
