Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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