girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He passed out mid-signature
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
