is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
