Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
