im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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