did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize