I want you more than these girls want KFC
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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