you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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