i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
