Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
